Control

I have never known myself to be “controlling”. 

I don’t think seek control for myself. 

I certainly do not strive to be controlled by another. 

I don’t suppose I have even thought much about the topic of control until now. 

I usually like my life a lot and find myself able to find enjoyment, beauty and positive attributes in any given situation.  On my trip to Nicaragua this time, I found little to enjoy.  I got sick and found myself in a space of such negativity and inability to find beauty or others centeredness in the midst of my utter misery. The heat was unbearable in my feverish state.  Because of the problems with electricity in Waspam, the simple pleasure of a fan blowing could not be enjoyed.

In the middle of my miserable state, I told the Lord, “I don’t think I can stand this, Lord.  I really hate this….there is nothing I am liking about this situation at all….please….”  At that point, I really must admit that death looked promising.  I was hurting. 

Suddenly, as if the Lord were right there, the fan literally turned on and started to blow in my direction.  It was hope and His presence made real in the darkness.  Simple but true.  I really felt him with me.  I had a real moment of thankfulness.

Nevertheless, my time was still a challenge and I reflected on something I had told the children on one of our morning walks around the town earlier in the week, “Beauty is always around us, but sometimes you have to look a little harder to see it and you must always practice looking and finding it even in the midst of all this ‘kanka” (feces of every kind) we are stepping around.”

I was busted as I lay around miserable and purposeless just trying to get better.  I hated feeling like I was drowning and couldn’t do one thing to control my state of affairs.  I was once again out of my element, out of control and out of any kind of ability to make things better.  It was not pleasant to me.   I realized in a way how much I did want to be in control to make myself better, but I just could not.

CONTROL…. In a third world foreign country, there are many aspects that are very different from the average first world “controlled” modern & sophisticated environment. In Nicaragua, I believe there are many moments that I desire to “control” my surrounding bug infested environment, the ever changing meaning of the infamous“Ten minutes” (which can mean anywhere from  one hour to six), the ever flexible schedules  of the system where management may or may not actually write out your reservations (which you planned months in advance) for a crucial flight with your team, the incredible lack of  dependability of  having electricity and water or not. 

There are so many factors completely out of my control….infinitely not even in my reach or grasping distance.  In circumstances like these, I believe there is positive training for one who longs to be trusting and not in control…knowing that really there is but One that is in control.  It is when we totally succumb to the control of our eternal Creator, the ONE that is divinely & completely in charge, that we experience freedom and peace.

I had the privilege of going to our friend’s gym yesterday (Christi’s Fitness) for the first time since coming back to Vero.    My friend Christi was teaching.  She is a beautiful, organized, direct, thorough, orderly and enthusiastic instructor. She starts on time, ends on time and is always pleasant.  In the midst of the class I found myself feeling so happy and privileged to be there in air conditioning…so comfortable and free…moving about with ease….being told what to do and then my body having the freedom to do it.  It felt so good and I felt so grateful.  I knew there would be an exact end to it and when that was going to be.  Basically before even getting there I knew what to expect and sure enough it was all happening as I had anticipated and I was having so much fun.

I asked myself,” why are you liking this so much?”  The answer was swift, “Because it is controlled.  You really do love control and being controlled.  There is freedom and stability and you like freedom and stability…it’s safe.”  Whoa.  Epiphany. I really hate when I don’t get my own way.  However, I have had the privilege of practicing diligently the art of acceptance and flexibility in the environments that just don’t line up to “what I want”.  

There is only One who truly controls and gives not necessarily what I want, but certainly what I need. I seem to continually receive ample training to demonstrate just how stubborn I am in my pursuit of something that never belonged to me in first place.  My life IS out of control and I must come to the place of trust, rest and His way, not mine in all matters of life and godliness.In my fitness classes, I laugh at myself a lot. 

 I find it most amusing when my body gets out of sync and I feel this sense of being out of control with my movement and the music.  It cracks me up.   I literally laugh out loud.  Such is my life…..when I lose myself, my abilities, my control……..The fun begins and God’s adventure starts.  It deeply renders joy unexplainable.  Laura